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Winter’s Bone
“Movie, I’m going to have to ask you to pick up the pace already.” I am looking forward to summarizing this because I have never seen Inuit porn before. Rule #34 is in effect. First 5 Minutes: Some...
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The Social Network
Facebook is a social-networking website. You can sign up for it by logging into the world wide web and typing “http://www.facebook.com” into the address bar at the top. Remember, that’s facebook — all...
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The Kids Are All Right
These kids are all wrong. OK, I have no idea what this movie is about, but I am very optimistic going in because they spelled “All right” using two words instead of one, so I won’t have to throw fits...
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127 Black Swan
Despite all of the protests against it in the Middle East, we will be continuing with another installment of The BEASTIES. As a concession to the demonstrators demanding they cease immediately, this...
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The King’s Speech
We’ve finally arrived at the end – the last movie nominated for Best Picture and therefore the Beasties. It is a film about how, in a world where most of the global population lived under a repressive...
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5 Fundamentalist Movies You Should Watch
GATES OF HELL I learned about this movie from Right Wing Watch, which is an organization that watches the right wing. And they watched the right wing pushing this movie, and it looks awesome. You might...
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Homeopath Has a Diluted Understanding of a Simple Story
So I went to see Contagion last weekend. The first thing I did afterwards was lash out at and threaten our followers on Twitter for no good reason. The second thing I did was check out what the...
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The Descendants
I really mean it this time, I am relieved to have those first two self-indulgent pieces of crap out of the way. Now I can actually enjoy one of these movies since it’s clearly a documentary about an...
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Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
Tom Hanks revives his role from Toy Story 3 as an al Qaeda terrorist. This time he’s bombing the World Trade Center on orders from Dick Cheney and Popular Mechanics magazine. On September 11, his son...
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The Help
0-20:00 This movie is set in a commune of Ron Paul supporters who like to bus in African-American women from the movie Gone With the Wind to show them what it’s like to have liberty and stuff....
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Midnight in Paris
0-10:00 Johnny and Jane America have tagged along with Jane’s parents to Paris. They hate each other and are probably only engaged to spite each other. Jane meets up with some of her friends and they...
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